JL Cin Sha'mer & Indi Hawk | "Tower of Love" (pt 2)

Posted on 241709.04 @ 6:52am by Rear Admiral Indi Hawk

Mission: Non-Plot Log

As Indi saw Sha'mer sitting on the bench, she halted her walk. Physically, she was fine, and yet she was exhausted from the short walk. She realized only too well that her mind was more responsible for this than her body. A few minutes later, she steeled herself with a deep breath, closed the final distance and sat down on the same bench.

Sha'mer looked up, sighed, looked away again. This was how their last meeting had started, hadn't it? Only Indi hadn't sat down then. But Sha'mer did reinforce the shields around her mind, just to be sure Indi didn't do a repeat of the self-destruct run of (yesterday? whenever). There was no way Indi would survive another such attack.

Indi sat quietly for a while. She felt Cin shying away, but she made no move to open their minds to each other. "You're hard to find," she spoke softly at last.

Sha'mer shrugged and winced. Her shoulders were still sore. "I was not looking forward to a repeat."

"You know you can't hide from me," Indi sighed softly.

"Nor would I want to." Under normal circumstances… Sha'mer glanced up again. "What do you want from me?" You told me to stay out of your head, I had to fight to keep you out of mine… I don't want to hurt you. I should have stayed away. "I should have stayed away."

Indi had no idea of knowing what was going on inside Sha'mers head right now, but she could guess. "Why?" she asked instead, not wanting to venture said guess.

"I have become too dangerous," Sha'mer said blandly.

"Why?" Indi repeated, sounding like a broken record.

"Go look at what remained of that tree and ask me that again."

Shaking her head, Indi turned slightly to face Cin directly for the first time. "You destroyed that tree instead of me. That's not exactly a bad thing." Or was it? something in her mind whispered to her.

"It was so close," Sha'mer whispered. "Too close. I reacted before I realised I did. The only thing I could do, the only control I had, was to deflect it." She met Indi's gaze. "Can you imagine," she said, still in a whisper, "what would happen if certain organisations got hold of that? Of me?" She stared at the bay again. "No. If there's any sane mind in there-" she gestured in the direction of the Starfleet buildings, "they'd want me as far away from here as they possibly can." Or kill me outright. Or install a permanent mental blocker, in which case they might as well kill me.

"As I'm still alive, I dare say it wasn't too close or I wouldn't be here anymore," Indi spoke softly, but not in a whisper. Yes, she realised only too well that Cin could've killed her in their last encounter. Perhaps even should have..

"Yes. That was when you attacked me. Next time it'll be someone else. And all you did was yell at me." Sha'mer felt all that darkness inside with sudden clarity, so close to the surface, so easy to trigger, to let it rise. "It's hairline trigger, Indi. I'm a hairline trigger. If I were a weapon, you'd destroy it. I'm as likely to destroy friend as foe."

Indi wasn't sure what was going on. Hadn't been since they'd found each other again on Earth. It was obvious though, after the past couple of days, that Sha'mer had been through hell. She wasn't so sure she'd come back from it already. She'd physically escaped whoever had held her captive, but her mind was still there. The same thing probably went for her. Her mind was still undercover, destructive. She didn't want to admit it, but they were a dangerous pair right now. "You're not a weapon though. I'm not going to destroy you. You're not going to destroy yourself."

"I'm not going to destroy myself," Sha'mer said hoarsely. "It's others I'm worried about." It's you I'm worried about, too… The nightmare of (the day before?) would take a long time to forget. Longer than it would take for bruises to fade, at any rate.

Another silence descended over the two of them. What was there to say? They were both in a bad place. Both needed help. Both hoped the other could provide some relief. Any relief. It didn't sound like it was going to happen for either of them.

"Now what?" Indi asked eventually. The view was spectacular, and she leaned her head back against the wall behind the bench.

"I wish I knew…" Sha'mer shook her head wearily. She was tired, just so goddamned tired of it all. "I cannot even guarantee your safety around me. Not even with what happened in Sabine's office. Just look at what happened before, when I slept and you were dragged…" She sat up straight, now, looked at Indi instead of in the distance. "I cannot even trust myself. How can others ever trust me? How can I go back to, to all this-" she gestured to the complex behind them, to Indi's uniform, "when I can't even remember what happens from one moment to the next?"

Ever so slowly, Indi reached out to wrap her arms around Cin. She felt resistance, Sha'mer wanting to draw back. She didn't let go however. Gently, she pulled her closer, her arms strong but gentle at the same time.The resistance faded. Into what, she couldn't be sure of. Time seemed to slow again as Cin's head touched her chest. Indi held her and rested her own head on the short hair of her wife. She was used to it being a lot longer. It used to be so lovely. The things one chose to think about in these situations.

No. No. It was too dangerous. It was… it was… something. Something… distant, close, warm, familiar, a good feeling, safe… Sha'mer sighed. A deep sigh, which seemed to come all the way from the depths of her soul. It had been so cold out there, so alone, and now for this moment, and maybe, just maybe, for many moments to come, it was warm and safe. Loved.

It was good to be loved. An alien feeling, for the most part, but deep down something resonated in her, something long forgotten. It was good to be loved.

The feeling was mutual. There was peace and love in this moment. Outside, on this bench, surrounded by a chill cold that neither felt anymore. Not wanting to ruin the moment, but not wanting to freeze here either, Indi finally spoke softly into Cintia's hair. "I love you, Cin, I don't ever want to lose you again," she wanted to say more, but the words choked in her throat.

"I love you, too…" Sha'mer whispered back. Even if she had wanted to speak louder, she couldn't. "I'd never harm you. Never. I love you too much for that." The tears which were burning behind her eyes from the moment she had detected Indi were beginning to flow, now. She hugged her tighter, the hug she had been yearning for for years, during all that time in the dark, and now that they were finally here, both actually *here* in body and in mind, Sha'mer never wanted to let go.

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by Cin Sha'mer & Indi Hawk